When ever I'm home I get this feeling like my life is a familiar song that plays on a trip to the grocery store, the kind of song that everyone likes and is okay with (like American Pie) and the people in the car get to share a few minutes of comfort over something they all held dear in some way or another.
Today I am home, and I get to enjoy comfort and minimal responsibility (sort of) for 10 days. The last few weeks have been wonderfully busy, heartbreaking, and necessary. I won't get apologetic for not posting, because that would be silly, and I doubt anyone would really want that (of course if you do let me know and something can be arranged).
Work at the shelter has been great. I'm learning how easily my heart is broken. I'm also learning just how many different kinds of Little Debbie Snack products there are (don't worry, I've given up on attempting to try them all). I think what keeps my job from slowly dismantling my soul into something unrecognizable is Jesus. It couldn't be anything else. I'm just not that strong (thankfully). This job was slowly killing me until I gave it all up to Him....which is hard.....because I want to save everyone. I've become increasingly aware of this little part of me that wants to be a superhero or Gandhi and save everyone from pain and suffering, all so I can take credit for something that really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God working through me.
We probably all deal with this, and it's important enough to be one of the first things Jesus is tempted with. There's this warning that we seem to gloss over (or I do at least) when Jesus is in the wilderness and gets tempted with the ability to turn rocks into bread....which the first time I read that I thought "Oh...right, cause he must be hungry".
Well eventually I realized, "Hey, wait, he could turn those rocks into bread and give it to other people!, People who are even starving" and then I felt depressed for a little bit because my initial reaction was inward while Christ's must have been outward. But then I got over that and began looking at the places in my life where I might be tempted to do tricks instead of being faithful. The easy little outs that seem really convenient and harmless. This meandering of thoughts led me to my job....and how I was so stressed at the end of the day because I wasn't loving everyone perfectly.....cause they were still homeless....and had problems.....and I couldn't fix that.
But that tension is unhealthy, wrong, and probably what we as humans will always struggle with. It happens when we trust our own tainted perception of love over something more holy and ultimately true.
So what I'm getting at with all of this, is that I've found this much to be true:It's necessary to give the important things up to God.
We need our hearts to be vulnerable and open to Him before we can live in true freedom and stop worrying about results and our "abilities".
I think we worry, because the world has this stick (probably a standard looking yardstick) that it measures everything by, success, failure, etc. I think we see that, and get discouraged because we don't get that kind of feedback from God, our results aren't held over our heads like in every aspect of our worldly lives. It's not directly about results. Sure change comes from following Christ.... but the first step is obedience....and having faith in God's truth....then the crazy stuff starts happening. Stuff we'd never even imagine was possible.
Certainly this is easy to say, and hopefully I won't be caught going around at party's saying this like it's something I always do....because that would be a lie, and it means I'm trying to impress people with fancy ideas.
It's a Wonderful Life
Whenever it snows, I think of that movie.....that and how much I'm going to hate the snow in 24 hours. It dumped, and I mean dumped, allllll over Flagstaff last week. I got to miss 2 days of finals, which was a fantastic blessing because I was able to relax for the first time in too long. Sometimes I like to think that I'll really enjoy the snow, sit on a warm couch with a Snuggie, and book by some dead guy, hot chocolate (don't like the word cocoa) and perhaps a dog and watch the snow fall by a rather large window. (There may be some subtle music playing in this daydream but I really just can't decide yet...I like the silence sometimes).
Anyways, it's much better than the reality of my out of shape, heavily breathing form shoveling snow and cursing at the snowplow as it dumps huge clumps of snow/ice at the foot of my driveway while I'm falling down on my butt and my neighbors laugh.
Veggie Tales in My Stomach
I have this idea that my roommate Erik and I are going to be vegetarians for six months starting Jan 1 (it's convenient this way....not a resolution). There's no ethical agenda.....I just want to see if I can do it....I'll keep everyone updated on that
The Perspective of Distance and Why I Think It Sucks
Whenever I leave a place I've been for a long time, I always get this wave of insight into all of the things that I didn't like about where I just was and the areas I could have improved in. I absolutely hate this, mostly because I know I'm going to have to remember it all and apply it to future situations. I hate this because it means that I've been apathetic and it's taken sudden, drastic movement to make me aware of this. This is probably just how it's suppose to work....and I'll accept that, I just think it's stupid (mostly when this is how I'm made aware of situations where I may be hurting others, myself, or God)
So this has been a long post, and I think the free time is going to allow me to do this a lot more over the break, I think there are lots of things to write about. Hopefully this all finds you in a place that's good (I'll let you guys figure out what "good" means to you)
-Geoff
