I laughed at the time and put mustard on his sandwich (which I'm sure tasted awesome) and hummed to a Hall & Oates song. I wasn't going to defend myself, I knew what I was capable of.
Then it hit me. I was graduating high school, and at that time in my life it was the biggest thing I'd done. I hadn't applied for any colleges. I was set on going to a community college and then going to Berkley. I was going to become the next Kerouac or Ginsberg and change the world. I was going to be the guy you'd see in a small picture on the bottom of a book entitled "Harry Truman and Other Saviors". I'd be wearing glasses (which I don't need) and a scarf (which looks cool).
In that moment, something told me all of those dreams were foolish and that I needed something different. Feeling insecure I remembered that NAU had offered me an okay deal and on a whim I applied. It was an impulse buy. I threw the next 4 years of my life out there and hoped for the best.
It was like those romantic and wonderful people that spin a globe and travel to wherever their fingers land.
I felt like this was what I was becoming.
After a year in Flagstaff it felt like my finger had landed in the middle of the Pacific Ocean or someplace in Siberia and I told myself I was miserable.
I listened to Elliott Smith records and read novels by serious Frenchmen and thought I'd impress cute girls with my intelligence and obscure tastes.
That is not where life happens. Depression is not validation. It was not a lifestyle.
Looking back, I know that the reason things seemed so hopeless and lost was that I was going through these things alone. I had left my home, I refused to make friends (unless they were girls that would validate me physically) and I reached the end of whatever resolve I had.
Granted in these moments, I didn't know Jesus but 4 years later I find myself in a similar position.
This May, I will be graduating.
After that point, I will be going on staff with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship (as of right now).
I am hesitant because I am doing this alone.
In a mystical, spiritual sense I have the Spirit. Yes, I know that God is always with us and with me in this process.
But let's be real. The person that suggests this is as all a human needs is probably the person that listens to your stories about how your mother died from cancer or how you've struggled with body image issues all your life and suggests "praying more".
Just because something sounds righteous doesn't mean it's good advice (i.e. the book of Job).
I am faced something where I may lose my immediate community, my family dynamics are changing and nothing is certain except that things will change.
In this moment of my life, even with all of the things that seem to be hedging me, all I can really do is make tough decisions and trust that God is with me. Can I say that with excitement? Sometimes, but not always.
I'm glad for that. I think it'd be strange to always be feeling joy in these moments. I don't recall David dealing with the illness of his child with a smile on his face. Jesus did not go up on the cross with a skip in His step. Things are allowed to be hard, and it's not that we always feel good about doing what God has asked of us, but that we do it.
It wouldn't seem human or real to ALWAYS be happy. In fact that would freak me out a bit. Joy and associated emotions are only part of the spectrum we've been given to explore the nature of God (which I imagine looks a lot a valley with evergreens and a small black creek running through the middle. at night the stars move around and the insects make noises that sound like creation, salvation and laughter).
There is value in wrestling with apathy, sorrow, pain, uncertainty, etc. We shouldn't seek to stay in those places, but we shouldn't think that God's not there in those moments either.
I'm looking forward to this next part of my life. I know that it won't be easy, but as I was reminded the other day "you wouldn't want to do something that was easy anyway, you'd get bored". And that's true. I want my life to be challenging, exciting and uncertain. I've been given that, and now it's my turn to accept.
There is snow on my back-porch this morning and the outside world looks like a prayer waiting to be answered. Out there in the unknown where our choices float around until we make them exists the future. I know that I will never be alone, but that I will sometimes feel alone. I have been given a new life, new spirit and a new body. Driving through all of this, I am equipped and ready for what's next.
The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
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