Skinny Love

I have been doing really well as of late. Things have seemed so wonderful....full of mystery. Then today, I had my first legitimately bad mood in a week or so.

When I was on my way home from school I saw some dude passed out on the side of the road. I pulled over to see what was up. From two years of working at a shelter that allows individuals who are intoxicated in the building I could piece together this guy had been drinking pretty heavily.

So I woke him up (he seemed familiar, like I knew him from the shelter or something) and I went through the steps to see if he needed an ambulance or FMC (Flagstaff Medical Center). I'm just about to make a call when this skinny white dude in dreads showed up. I don't know how I can describe what happened next......just that he used a lot of f-bombs and really seemed to think I didn't know what I was doing. He wouldn't have a conversation with me about it, just kept cursing about white people and how I didn't know anything. It was really weird. And honestly, I've never had anger like I had in that moment. Maybe it was because his elephant-in-the-room attitude really got to me, or my pride was hurt. I'm not sure.

I left because he called 911 for the guy on the ground (who was conscious at this point) and since he did that there wasn't really any point to me staying.

I spent the next couple of hours trying to justify myself....my anger......you know that I was right and he was wrong. I'm still mad......but I know this isn't the right response.

I'm held up in my room right now, my roommates are watching the Fresh Prince, but I'm not going to leave until I can figure out how to love this Rastafarian/Jewish/cursing child of God. Because that's what it comes down to.....it's easy to love people who treat you kindly or don't treat you anyway at all.....but when they insult you.....bother you for no reason. That's the real test.

The more I think badly of this man, the more I'm murdering him in my heart......and he doesn't deserve that. Jesus sets an example for me......that I should have stood and took those insults.....and made sure that the man on the ground got into the ambulance alright. I left because my pride had been hurt.....I left out of my own selfishness.

So that's some actual processing right now. I'm going to live with that, and keep this man in my prayers. Because there isn't much that separates us. We both live in a world where sin is prevalent....and we both need Jesus, a lot.

I finally admit to liking Bon Iver......I'm through being too cool



Also, I went to the zoo in Albuquerque over spring break.....it was awesome. Blog about that soon.

I've Never Punched a Shark (the Last Month)

I've never punched a shark, the idea of doing something like that is terrifying.

This last month has been....busy to say the least. I've gone through about 12 different large "life changing" things I'd like to do, worked 20 hours most weeks, gone to school and lots of other things that had been adding lots of stress to my life.

Shutter Island
Was awesome.

Stress
Is not so awesome.

I've been considering what it means to "stress" about things in my life and I don't think I've ever understood how truly destructive it is. It's really awful physically and mentally, and I don't want to live with the mentality that stress is some how helping me get anything done in my life.

I think that there is a very good reason Jesus tells us not to worry. (I'm equating worry to stress here, hopefully that doesn't irk anyone). It's as if our bodies have been designed to collapse when we worry/stress out about the things in our lives.

If anything it is a manifestation of a lack of faith in God and His provision. I'm beginning to think that when we worry or stress, we are essentially saying "man I need to rely of my self and trust that I am strong enough to get things done" which is complemented by "God may be there, but I don't have time to wait around for Him to work and provide in my time of need".

Jesus never asked us to be strong, only that we realize "My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians....something and such).

I'm hoping to be restored of my faith in God being active in my life, trusting that He will show up and not worrying if things don't happen within my perception and definition of what 'should' happen.



-Geoff

Haiti

Today I am full of peace, cliff bars and internal organs. Life is moving forward and I'm really anxious to see the next few months play out. I'm working on getting my passport updated so that I can go to Haiti this summer....which is what I'm going to be talking about for most for this post.

I really enjoy it when it gets warmer in Flagstaff, when the snow melts and I can see rocks and dirt and shopping carts and 50 degrees feels like 75 because it's been near zero at night.

When there was an Earthquake, Haiti, and How to Respond.

When I saw the headlines about the earthquake that happened in Haiti, I'm not sure I had a concept of what was going on, why it was bad, or whether or not I really cared.

Then I read some of the first articles, about how Haiti was already the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere, about how Port-Au-Prince looked like a war zone, and saw pictures of people crushed under the rubble. These things made it painfully obvious of my ignorance, and I got one of those heavy, sinking feelings in my chest. I think this happened for two reasons,

1) There were people suffering and dying in Haiti

2)It took a massive natural disaster to make me aware of the situation in this country, 200,000 plus people dead to wake me from comfortable apathy.

My next reaction was to start calling up different missions organizations to see what I could do, and the consensus was that more than anything money was needed. Then I called up the head staff for Intervarsity Christian Fellowship here on campus to see what we could do as a fellowship. We talked it over, and I defiantly felt convicted that standing by saying, "well isn't that tragic, say a prayer before you go to sleep" wasn't the right response. I firmly believe that when Jesus asks those who call Him Lord to "love your neighbor as yourself", it isn't conditional. It doesn't mean be "nice" to people, to do one good deed and call it a day. It's a call to legitimate, meaningful, lasting love. Something that represents Christ, not our selfish, pitying affections. Those don't last and aren't unique anyways.

So, I was sitting on my couch, feeling awful when I had an idea.

I don't know where it came from, but I believe it was something God put on my heart. The idea was a call for our campus at NAU to fast and pray for at least one day, the coming Saturday of that week. But it made sense for that to be taken a step further, and to make this something that was spiritual but active. I think it's completely reasonable for a group of peoples to fast as a sign of solidarity, but why not give up the money that would have been spent on food, pool it together and donate it in one lump some through an organization working on the ground in Haiti? So that's what we did. That Friday I called almost everyone in my phone book asking for prayer, and that Saturday I saw 6oish students come to the Raymond Rec room on central campus to pray, intercede on behalf of the Haitian people. 513 dollars were raised and donated to Haiti through World Vision.

God's Calling and Why it's Unwise to Say "No"

During my time in prayer that Saturday, I felt as if God was inviting me to more. As if He was saying "this is good, but let's see if we can't do more". When I thought about that, it made sense. One day events are awesome, and lots of good can be done through that, but it's entirely too easy to say "I've done my part, let everyone else do something now". I realized, I have no idea how that thought could ever be justified in the Gospel. The concept of enough, doesn't apply to God's Grace, Love and His Kingdom. So I asked my roommate Erik if he wanted to go to Haiti this summer with me.

He said yes and we started doing research, how we could go, through what organizations and what we could really do.

We've now got a contact, and things are moving. We'll see what happens. (Of course there are more details to that, but I'm going to be a little secretive for now).

I've been really challenged with the question of "What can I really do and would it mean anything?". This is an honest question. I still have my doubts about God to use me in this situation. That said, since I'm never really able to understand all of what God has laid out in His plans, why would this be any different? Why wouldn't I trust Him in this situation? (Unfortunately the reason is usually "well because this is actually hard and requires risk").

When God calls us to something, it's probably in our best interests to answer that call. It's easy to kill callings with worldly logic and sometimes we have to "settle" for the explanation to our friends and family "it's a matter of faith". Normally this is answer is viewed as a cop-out but acting in the blurry haze of faith is great. Especially because the verb in that sentence is "act". To quote James, "faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." (James 2:17).

The Other Things That I Won't Mention Specifically That Involve Preparation

There are lots of things that go into following Jesus, and it's going to look different for everyone. I'm doing things to really test the legitimacy of my "heart for Haiti". Those things are intentionally private (blah blah blah, more accurately I feel they are distracting in the context of a blog post, I'm not above and do talk about things with people when it's more personal)

I will say I was particularly inspired by this article I read the other day:

http://www.worldvisionacts.org/?q=lentglorified

Ash Wednesday is this week. Hmmmmmmmm


-Geoff

Waiting for the Roof to Magically Fix Itself

I'm more or less killing time right now. The 3 plus feet of snow has finally broken into my home through the solar tube in the kitchen. I'm looking at the hole right now (I mean it's covered in blankets and cardboard) and thinking about how we're going to pay for that.

I've been sleeping on the couch lately, something I only do when something is bothering me. It's strange I guess. I think I was on there for like 3 weeks or something, but last night I slept in my room. It was a good, lazy sleep. I still don't know what's been eating at me (Gilbert Grape, blah blah blah).

I know that in a few minutes Erik and I will be going have lunch with our friend Chase. Chase travels around the country and follows Jesus in awesome communes. We are going to Big Foot BBQ but since Erik and I are still on this vegetarian-better than you-I don't kill things-meat is murder kick we will be getting some stupid tofu knock-off.

I'm working on praying more, consistently and like it matters. Its still been a work in progress loving my roommates. Loving the people I see every day. In every failure I am learning how crazy it is that Jesus has, does and will love us this passionately.

I have an awesome story about Haiti and college kids, but I'll talk about that in the next post.


I hope that everyone is having wonderful day,

geoff

Lists

I don't really feel like leaving my couch lately. I've been watching lots and lots of TV, feeling gross, and only seeing the light of day to go to the gym or work. Sometimes I get food. There's something nice in those weird moments (days, weeks, months) where we don't know what we're doing.

These are the things I like right now:

1."How I Met Your Mother" Seasons 1-3

2. The more important dialogues I've been having with my roommates

3. Scrambled Eggs with cheese mixed in

4. Apple Cinnamon Cheerios

5. The notes I'm taking for some sort of screenplay I'm fantasizing about

6. Listening to both of A.A. Bondy's albums, they are great.

These things are less than ideal

1. It's cold

2. There aren't that many people in Flagstaff right now

3. Parts of me misses living in an urban center....which is weird

Short sweet, just a bunch of lists

-Geoff

This Is Not a Post Concerning the New Year

I guess I just wanted to post something concerning writing. Like real writing, not this. I'm in a graduate class for poetry this semester, and I've been told part of the focus is publishing. So that's cool. I don't have an grand illusions of getting anything put in a magazine, at this point I'm trying not to think about writing in that way. The stupid day dream I use to have where I was an influential writer with a nice scarf and valid opinions is the thing I'm trying to rid myself of.....I think I write better when that's not what I'm thinking about. Anyways I've been working on something new poems over the last few days. I'm mostly just building from notes I took last semester, anyways I figured I'd give the people that read this a preview.

Marriage at Sea Level & the End of the World

The gossip of old lades moves through our homes
and lets us know that every choice we've made has been wrong,
and no matter who we love she'll always be two songs
with the same words and different music to make us burn
like silly 2 dollar candles bought from a street vendor
(pouring out cinnamon or vanilla till there's nothing else in the room).

When my grandfather died his ashes married Horse Mtn
& a flask of whiskey while my grandmother married her Garden
and now everything blooms when the spring melts the fog away.

Every morning after Thanksgiving my father's friend
marries the same waitress at Hanson's truck stop,
5 am over eggs & toast.

The groaning of the Pacific sounds like a wounded animal
in the pastures behind Three Corners Market
where the salt marries rusted out tractors and homes.

The gas station attendant in Ludlow who hoses the
concrete at night wants to get married while I'm trying to
show you a constellation that looks like marriage at sea level & the End of the World. Because
now the world is ending and when we wake up
we won't know the faces of the people around us.

I never trust anyone as much as strangers and few people
can sing in my heart like the nameless.
The longer I go into the night the less I want to talk to you
or anyone who might be real because I never want your
silences to change my landscapes or
rot my hatred into something useful.

We change our bodies everyday to look
like thicker versions of our parents
and take a bow to the people we use to be
(who look back at us like faces against the window of a car
when it's cold and normal saying, "Good Job, We're So Proud!)
as we stand in Levis, hands jammed in our pockets, ashamed.

Every time I see a full moon I want to walk with you in a Eucalyptus
grove till all of our features are worn away and
I find the dark timid feeling of honesty
that swims around in the creek by the path
like the fish trapped in pools
who wait for rain to take them back out to the ocean.
Winter comes and I drive through the desert and up the coast
till the weather feels like home.
You are still at work so I wait.



Sooo yeah, there's that. silly rants and raves.

Hope everyone is doing well,

Geoff

Home and the Last Few Weeks

When ever I'm home I get this feeling like my life is a familiar song that plays on a trip to the grocery store, the kind of song that everyone likes and is okay with (like American Pie) and the people in the car get to share a few minutes of comfort over something they all held dear in some way or another.

Today I am home, and I get to enjoy comfort and minimal responsibility (sort of) for 10 days. The last few weeks have been wonderfully busy, heartbreaking, and necessary. I won't get apologetic for not posting, because that would be silly, and I doubt anyone would really want that (of course if you do let me know and something can be arranged).

Work at the shelter has been great. I'm learning how easily my heart is broken. I'm also learning just how many different kinds of Little Debbie Snack products there are (don't worry, I've given up on attempting to try them all). I think what keeps my job from slowly dismantling my soul into something unrecognizable is Jesus. It couldn't be anything else. I'm just not that strong (thankfully). This job was slowly killing me until I gave it all up to Him....which is hard.....because I want to save everyone. I've become increasingly aware of this little part of me that wants to be a superhero or Gandhi and save everyone from pain and suffering, all so I can take credit for something that really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God working through me.

We probably all deal with this, and it's important enough to be one of the first things Jesus is tempted with. There's this warning that we seem to gloss over (or I do at least) when Jesus is in the wilderness and gets tempted with the ability to turn rocks into bread....which the first time I read that I thought "Oh...right, cause he must be hungry".

Well eventually I realized, "Hey, wait, he could turn those rocks into bread and give it to other people!, People who are even starving" and then I felt depressed for a little bit because my initial reaction was inward while Christ's must have been outward. But then I got over that and began looking at the places in my life where I might be tempted to do tricks instead of being faithful. The easy little outs that seem really convenient and harmless. This meandering of thoughts led me to my job....and how I was so stressed at the end of the day because I wasn't loving everyone perfectly.....cause they were still homeless....and had problems.....and I couldn't fix that.

But that tension is unhealthy, wrong, and probably what we as humans will always struggle with. It happens when we trust our own tainted perception of love over something more holy and ultimately true.

So what I'm getting at with all of this, is that I've found this much to be true:It's necessary to give the important things up to God.

We need our hearts to be vulnerable and open to Him before we can live in true freedom and stop worrying about results and our "abilities".

I think we worry, because the world has this stick (probably a standard looking yardstick) that it measures everything by, success, failure, etc. I think we see that, and get discouraged because we don't get that kind of feedback from God, our results aren't held over our heads like in every aspect of our worldly lives. It's not directly about results. Sure change comes from following Christ.... but the first step is obedience....and having faith in God's truth....then the crazy stuff starts happening. Stuff we'd never even imagine was possible.

Certainly this is easy to say, and hopefully I won't be caught going around at party's saying this like it's something I always do....because that would be a lie, and it means I'm trying to impress people with fancy ideas.

It's a Wonderful Life

Whenever it snows, I think of that movie.....that and how much I'm going to hate the snow in 24 hours. It dumped, and I mean dumped, allllll over Flagstaff last week. I got to miss 2 days of finals, which was a fantastic blessing because I was able to relax for the first time in too long. Sometimes I like to think that I'll really enjoy the snow, sit on a warm couch with a Snuggie, and book by some dead guy, hot chocolate (don't like the word cocoa) and perhaps a dog and watch the snow fall by a rather large window. (There may be some subtle music playing in this daydream but I really just can't decide yet...I like the silence sometimes).

Anyways, it's much better than the reality of my out of shape, heavily breathing form shoveling snow and cursing at the snowplow as it dumps huge clumps of snow/ice at the foot of my driveway while I'm falling down on my butt and my neighbors laugh.

Veggie Tales in My Stomach

I have this idea that my roommate Erik and I are going to be vegetarians for six months starting Jan 1 (it's convenient this way....not a resolution). There's no ethical agenda.....I just want to see if I can do it....I'll keep everyone updated on that

The Perspective of Distance and Why I Think It Sucks

Whenever I leave a place I've been for a long time, I always get this wave of insight into all of the things that I didn't like about where I just was and the areas I could have improved in. I absolutely hate this, mostly because I know I'm going to have to remember it all and apply it to future situations. I hate this because it means that I've been apathetic and it's taken sudden, drastic movement to make me aware of this. This is probably just how it's suppose to work....and I'll accept that, I just think it's stupid (mostly when this is how I'm made aware of situations where I may be hurting others, myself, or God)


So this has been a long post, and I think the free time is going to allow me to do this a lot more over the break, I think there are lots of things to write about. Hopefully this all finds you in a place that's good (I'll let you guys figure out what "good" means to you)

-Geoff