It has been such a weird week for me. I want to come up with some really cool metaphor to describe it, so that the people who read this will think I'm cool and deep.

Unfortunately I'm not really either of those things. I mean I like to think I am, and I'm pretty good at faking it, but at the end of the day I'm just some dude who really likes watching the office before going to sleep and has an unhealthy obsession with string(ed?) cheese.

Fact: When I listen to Phil Wickham I feel like such a wimp

Also Fact: I'd rather be uncomfortably aware of how much I can't do and how much I need God than live with a false sense of strength and pride.

Pride and How We Think We Can Beat Sin
When I deal with the various sins that move in and out of my life it normally feels entirely overwhelming. I am brought to a place where I need to face that ugliness that can exist in my own heart and am forced to recognize as long as I have that, it's going to be reflected in my relationships with others.

It's in that moment that I think I am most vulnerable, because it's in that moment that I will try and muster this very manly, very wrong approach to cope with my failings.

I will try and beat my sin with pride.

I will say to myself "I am so much better than this, than this state that I am in" and then I will think "I can beat this!"

And while this does well to make me feel better about where I am, it's a complete and utter lie.

When I make appeals to my own "abilities" and perceived strengths and I am telling Jesus that I no longer have need for His grace, and no need for the Salvation He has won for the sake of humanity.

I think this is our we make ourselves into idols, and fall prey to self-worship.

Random Thoughts

I feel uncomfortable asking for financial blessings in prayer.

I am really excited for softball tonight because I can hit home-runs and make it look like I am a talented athlete, even though I am not.

Fish Oil is soooooo potentially good for you. Though I've also read it's not. I don't know what to believe anymore

I've become a fan of that really nervous feeling that is encountered when we take a risk to better understand Jesus.

!

I'm in an oddly nostalgic mood. That seems to be my go-to method for dealing with that feeling that the world's an overwhelming place that I'm always tempted to get caught up in.

So I'm just going to list, let whatever connects in my head connect and be okay with that. It's like a meditative poem of sorts.....but not a poem.

I feel really comfortable when I go to the grocery store because it makes me feel like I've got family all around me.

The same can be said about parking lots. Some of my favorite memories are standing in Safeway parking lots in the summer, eating Taco Bell and wondering what superhero I'd be.

I can sit and watch rivers move by for a long time.

I love listening to baseball games on the radio.

The Great Gatsby is a very comforting book for me, it's what I want to be reading when life feels colorless.

A house is not complete without a porch in my head.

I really like that scene in the Notebook where Ryan Gosling reads Walt Whitman poems.

"I sing the body electric"-Walt Whitman

I am homesick but I'm not sure it's that simple kind of homesick that's cured by a weekend somewhere other than Flagstaff.

I sometimes make my problems to be large and important when they are small and not worthy of my thoughts.

I am scared often.

I am scared with all my friends getting married.

I have identity issues that are easily exploited when I seek validation in the opposite sex.

I like low florescent lighting that's not invasive but feels nice in the background of a kitchen, underneath the cabinets.

I enjoy walking when it's summer and all the things I'm allergic to make the air feel heavy.

I give travel too much healing power in my life.

Everyone likes the taste of their own eggs.

I am guilty of using sarcasm to elevate myself above others so I can hide my own brokenness in the "stupidity" I subscribe to the choices they make.

I am a redwood tree (metaphorically)

I am a redwood tree (literally)

I'm not really either of those things, I'm not sure exactly what that would mean.

I use to collect Star Wars Episode I collectible soda cans. But drank the soda and just had a bunch of empty cans in my room for a few months.

I am in love with the drama of my own humanity.

The movies that make me cry are as follows: My Dog Skip, Garden State, Wicker Park, many many movies involving Tom Hanks (actor or producer) and I may have slightly wept watching the Notebook.

I sometimes think I am not "man enough" to be a man.

I then hold onto this idea that I am a man in Christ, which looks different and has nothing to do with steady income, lifting heavy things, or drinking lots of beers.

I used to have super artsy Myspace/Facebook pictures.

I love the sounds radios make when it's summer and I'm washing my car.

I like it when I'm listening to pop/alt radio stations that span 1970-present.

The above was one of the best perks of working at Subway.

I use to lay out on my parents driveway at night and watch the moon roll around for a few hours while I listened to Bright Eyes and thought about how romantic I was.

I don't get tired of "Clocks" by Coldplay.

I appreciate all of my friends so much.

I live a truly blessed life

It's easy for me to forget this when: (insert many random things that happen in life)


I feel much much better after doing this. Who knows why, but it always seems to help me.

Go watch a movie, call your mother or make a meal for your roommates.


-Geoff

Skinny Love

I have been doing really well as of late. Things have seemed so wonderful....full of mystery. Then today, I had my first legitimately bad mood in a week or so.

When I was on my way home from school I saw some dude passed out on the side of the road. I pulled over to see what was up. From two years of working at a shelter that allows individuals who are intoxicated in the building I could piece together this guy had been drinking pretty heavily.

So I woke him up (he seemed familiar, like I knew him from the shelter or something) and I went through the steps to see if he needed an ambulance or FMC (Flagstaff Medical Center). I'm just about to make a call when this skinny white dude in dreads showed up. I don't know how I can describe what happened next......just that he used a lot of f-bombs and really seemed to think I didn't know what I was doing. He wouldn't have a conversation with me about it, just kept cursing about white people and how I didn't know anything. It was really weird. And honestly, I've never had anger like I had in that moment. Maybe it was because his elephant-in-the-room attitude really got to me, or my pride was hurt. I'm not sure.

I left because he called 911 for the guy on the ground (who was conscious at this point) and since he did that there wasn't really any point to me staying.

I spent the next couple of hours trying to justify myself....my anger......you know that I was right and he was wrong. I'm still mad......but I know this isn't the right response.

I'm held up in my room right now, my roommates are watching the Fresh Prince, but I'm not going to leave until I can figure out how to love this Rastafarian/Jewish/cursing child of God. Because that's what it comes down to.....it's easy to love people who treat you kindly or don't treat you anyway at all.....but when they insult you.....bother you for no reason. That's the real test.

The more I think badly of this man, the more I'm murdering him in my heart......and he doesn't deserve that. Jesus sets an example for me......that I should have stood and took those insults.....and made sure that the man on the ground got into the ambulance alright. I left because my pride had been hurt.....I left out of my own selfishness.

So that's some actual processing right now. I'm going to live with that, and keep this man in my prayers. Because there isn't much that separates us. We both live in a world where sin is prevalent....and we both need Jesus, a lot.

I finally admit to liking Bon Iver......I'm through being too cool



Also, I went to the zoo in Albuquerque over spring break.....it was awesome. Blog about that soon.

I've Never Punched a Shark (the Last Month)

I've never punched a shark, the idea of doing something like that is terrifying.

This last month has been....busy to say the least. I've gone through about 12 different large "life changing" things I'd like to do, worked 20 hours most weeks, gone to school and lots of other things that had been adding lots of stress to my life.

Shutter Island
Was awesome.

Stress
Is not so awesome.

I've been considering what it means to "stress" about things in my life and I don't think I've ever understood how truly destructive it is. It's really awful physically and mentally, and I don't want to live with the mentality that stress is some how helping me get anything done in my life.

I think that there is a very good reason Jesus tells us not to worry. (I'm equating worry to stress here, hopefully that doesn't irk anyone). It's as if our bodies have been designed to collapse when we worry/stress out about the things in our lives.

If anything it is a manifestation of a lack of faith in God and His provision. I'm beginning to think that when we worry or stress, we are essentially saying "man I need to rely of my self and trust that I am strong enough to get things done" which is complemented by "God may be there, but I don't have time to wait around for Him to work and provide in my time of need".

Jesus never asked us to be strong, only that we realize "My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians....something and such).

I'm hoping to be restored of my faith in God being active in my life, trusting that He will show up and not worrying if things don't happen within my perception and definition of what 'should' happen.



-Geoff

Haiti

Today I am full of peace, cliff bars and internal organs. Life is moving forward and I'm really anxious to see the next few months play out. I'm working on getting my passport updated so that I can go to Haiti this summer....which is what I'm going to be talking about for most for this post.

I really enjoy it when it gets warmer in Flagstaff, when the snow melts and I can see rocks and dirt and shopping carts and 50 degrees feels like 75 because it's been near zero at night.

When there was an Earthquake, Haiti, and How to Respond.

When I saw the headlines about the earthquake that happened in Haiti, I'm not sure I had a concept of what was going on, why it was bad, or whether or not I really cared.

Then I read some of the first articles, about how Haiti was already the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere, about how Port-Au-Prince looked like a war zone, and saw pictures of people crushed under the rubble. These things made it painfully obvious of my ignorance, and I got one of those heavy, sinking feelings in my chest. I think this happened for two reasons,

1) There were people suffering and dying in Haiti

2)It took a massive natural disaster to make me aware of the situation in this country, 200,000 plus people dead to wake me from comfortable apathy.

My next reaction was to start calling up different missions organizations to see what I could do, and the consensus was that more than anything money was needed. Then I called up the head staff for Intervarsity Christian Fellowship here on campus to see what we could do as a fellowship. We talked it over, and I defiantly felt convicted that standing by saying, "well isn't that tragic, say a prayer before you go to sleep" wasn't the right response. I firmly believe that when Jesus asks those who call Him Lord to "love your neighbor as yourself", it isn't conditional. It doesn't mean be "nice" to people, to do one good deed and call it a day. It's a call to legitimate, meaningful, lasting love. Something that represents Christ, not our selfish, pitying affections. Those don't last and aren't unique anyways.

So, I was sitting on my couch, feeling awful when I had an idea.

I don't know where it came from, but I believe it was something God put on my heart. The idea was a call for our campus at NAU to fast and pray for at least one day, the coming Saturday of that week. But it made sense for that to be taken a step further, and to make this something that was spiritual but active. I think it's completely reasonable for a group of peoples to fast as a sign of solidarity, but why not give up the money that would have been spent on food, pool it together and donate it in one lump some through an organization working on the ground in Haiti? So that's what we did. That Friday I called almost everyone in my phone book asking for prayer, and that Saturday I saw 6oish students come to the Raymond Rec room on central campus to pray, intercede on behalf of the Haitian people. 513 dollars were raised and donated to Haiti through World Vision.

God's Calling and Why it's Unwise to Say "No"

During my time in prayer that Saturday, I felt as if God was inviting me to more. As if He was saying "this is good, but let's see if we can't do more". When I thought about that, it made sense. One day events are awesome, and lots of good can be done through that, but it's entirely too easy to say "I've done my part, let everyone else do something now". I realized, I have no idea how that thought could ever be justified in the Gospel. The concept of enough, doesn't apply to God's Grace, Love and His Kingdom. So I asked my roommate Erik if he wanted to go to Haiti this summer with me.

He said yes and we started doing research, how we could go, through what organizations and what we could really do.

We've now got a contact, and things are moving. We'll see what happens. (Of course there are more details to that, but I'm going to be a little secretive for now).

I've been really challenged with the question of "What can I really do and would it mean anything?". This is an honest question. I still have my doubts about God to use me in this situation. That said, since I'm never really able to understand all of what God has laid out in His plans, why would this be any different? Why wouldn't I trust Him in this situation? (Unfortunately the reason is usually "well because this is actually hard and requires risk").

When God calls us to something, it's probably in our best interests to answer that call. It's easy to kill callings with worldly logic and sometimes we have to "settle" for the explanation to our friends and family "it's a matter of faith". Normally this is answer is viewed as a cop-out but acting in the blurry haze of faith is great. Especially because the verb in that sentence is "act". To quote James, "faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." (James 2:17).

The Other Things That I Won't Mention Specifically That Involve Preparation

There are lots of things that go into following Jesus, and it's going to look different for everyone. I'm doing things to really test the legitimacy of my "heart for Haiti". Those things are intentionally private (blah blah blah, more accurately I feel they are distracting in the context of a blog post, I'm not above and do talk about things with people when it's more personal)

I will say I was particularly inspired by this article I read the other day:

http://www.worldvisionacts.org/?q=lentglorified

Ash Wednesday is this week. Hmmmmmmmm


-Geoff

Waiting for the Roof to Magically Fix Itself

I'm more or less killing time right now. The 3 plus feet of snow has finally broken into my home through the solar tube in the kitchen. I'm looking at the hole right now (I mean it's covered in blankets and cardboard) and thinking about how we're going to pay for that.

I've been sleeping on the couch lately, something I only do when something is bothering me. It's strange I guess. I think I was on there for like 3 weeks or something, but last night I slept in my room. It was a good, lazy sleep. I still don't know what's been eating at me (Gilbert Grape, blah blah blah).

I know that in a few minutes Erik and I will be going have lunch with our friend Chase. Chase travels around the country and follows Jesus in awesome communes. We are going to Big Foot BBQ but since Erik and I are still on this vegetarian-better than you-I don't kill things-meat is murder kick we will be getting some stupid tofu knock-off.

I'm working on praying more, consistently and like it matters. Its still been a work in progress loving my roommates. Loving the people I see every day. In every failure I am learning how crazy it is that Jesus has, does and will love us this passionately.

I have an awesome story about Haiti and college kids, but I'll talk about that in the next post.


I hope that everyone is having wonderful day,

geoff

Lists

I don't really feel like leaving my couch lately. I've been watching lots and lots of TV, feeling gross, and only seeing the light of day to go to the gym or work. Sometimes I get food. There's something nice in those weird moments (days, weeks, months) where we don't know what we're doing.

These are the things I like right now:

1."How I Met Your Mother" Seasons 1-3

2. The more important dialogues I've been having with my roommates

3. Scrambled Eggs with cheese mixed in

4. Apple Cinnamon Cheerios

5. The notes I'm taking for some sort of screenplay I'm fantasizing about

6. Listening to both of A.A. Bondy's albums, they are great.

These things are less than ideal

1. It's cold

2. There aren't that many people in Flagstaff right now

3. Parts of me misses living in an urban center....which is weird

Short sweet, just a bunch of lists

-Geoff